Please Recycle

How To Take Over The World:
Please Recycle

Subtitles are at the end.

“’ello, Reginald Butterfield ‘ere, and welcome to another episode of ‘ow To Take Over The World, a show that is sure to be ignored by the Emmy nomination committee, simply because we are on the BBC.”

“We had originally planned to air this episode a while ago, but being the evil cruel ‘earted bastards that we are, we decided to wait a bit and air it on Earth Day. After all, the subject of this episode fits perfectly with the tree-‘ugger’s ‘oliday, and we figured we, like so many companies do this time of year, would exploit the wide spread environmental awareness that always seems to manifest among the general populous this time of year.”

“Since our last episode aired, we have received a vast amount of e-mail about it. Surprisingly enough, we have yet to receive any mail through the post office, but we don’t really care. The postal system is ‘orribly obsolete in this digital day and age. Even the royal family agrees, preferring what they say is the fastest method they know of, carrier pigeons. We are expecting a letter from them in about three weeks.”

“As I said, we received a large amount of mail about our last episode. Let’s read some, shall we?”

“All right. Our first letter is from a chap named Steve S Stevenson. Sounds rather redundant. Anyways, Steve S. Stevenson writes ‘ow dare you destroy the only copy of your last episode. Now we will never know ‘ow to take over the world through economic means. I ‘ate you and ‘ope you die.’”

“Well Steve S. Stevenson, I am glad you like the show, we’ll send you a shirt or something. Next question. From anonymous. ‘Why did you replace “Fun With Fungus with this stupid show. It sucks, and Reginald is an idiot.’”

“Well anonymous, glad to hear you like the show as well. I was told we could send you the keys to a brand new Jaguar, but since you didn’t leave your name or address, we can’t. Looks like I get to keep it.”

“Time for one more. This one is from some bloke named Bob. No last name, that’s odd. Lets see. Bob says “Are you interested in natural male en…I’m sorry. Seems the producers of this show printed some junk mail by accident. We’ll ‘ave to fire them or ‘ave them executed or something. Maybe film it for a future episode.”

“On today’s show we are going to talk about recycling. In today’s eco-friendly namby-pamby tree ‘ugging world, all would be global dictators need to consider the three R’s; Reuse, Reduce, Recycle. After all, what is the point of ruling the planet if it is a polluted toxic waste dump.”

“Before we get to the show, I would like to introduce our guests. First, we ‘ave 11 time Grammy award winning musician Bob Dylan. Thank you for being on the show Bob.”

“Mno pmroblm mamn.*”

“…I ‘ave no idea what you just said. Our next guest is the Prince Of Darkness and Great Britain’s own Ozzy Osbourne, Ozzy, thank you for being on the show.”

“Wohs eht no em gniva’ rof sknaht. **”

“…Was that even English? Regardless welcome to the show. Were the Dove chocolates to you liking Mr. Osbourne?”

“Etalocohc dias uoy. Tiaw ho…Gniod saw ]peeb[ eht I thaw wonk t’ndid I. Emit eht ta hgi’ ylbidercni saw I. Pu ]peeb[ eht thus.***”

“…Still have no idea what you are saying. So I’m going to as Bob the first question. Mr. Dylan, Can you give us some advice on how we can recycle?”

“Myes I Camn. Thme easmiest wamy tmo stamrt remcyclming ims tmo sepmaramte evmery thming inmto difmferemnt bimns. Thmat wilml makme imt easmier fmor tmhem tmo promcess imt amt tmhe remcyclming cemnter.*^”

“That was absolutely no help at all. Mr. Osbourne, do you have any advice?”

“Ti fo erac doog ekat stel os. Elihw a su tsal ot sa’ ti. Eva’ ew tenalp ylno eht si siht, rebmemer. Elcycer ot sseinapmoc egaruocne ot slairetam delcycer morf edam smeti yub dna. Retnec gnilcycer eht ot meht gnikat erofeb slairertam elbalcycer lla esnir ouy erus ekam. Sey.^”

“All right, that is enough! I can’t understand a bloody thing the two of you are babbling on about! And why the ‘ell are the two of you ‘ear anyways? I could understand if Bono or one of those other tree-‘ugging musicians were ‘ere, but I ‘ave never ‘eard either of you say a single word regarding the environment. Not only do you ‘ave no reason to be ‘ere, what is wrong with your voices? No one has ever been able to understand what Bob is saying, but hat about you Ozzy? Why is it that even after a stroke, it is easier to understand you when you are singing then when you are talking?”

“Kaes I yaw eht tuoba evitisnes yrev m’I. Ecin t’nsaw that!^*”

“Yemah mamn. Thmat wmas uncmalled fmor.^**”

“AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! Both of you OUT! Get out of my studio NOW!”

“Im’m oumt omf hemre. I stimll gmet paimd thomugh rigmht?^***”

“Sihs refter na I tespu wo’ wohs ot dne eht ta ecaf ynworf a edulcni ebyam dna. Detaert saw I yaw eht etaicerppa ton did I taht gniyas rettal truc rehtar a dnes lliw I daetsin. Llew saedur eb dluow taht tub, wohs eht no em gniva’ rof uoy knaht a dnes or ton detpmet tsomls ma I. Edur wo’.^*^”

“Sigh. Finally. If I had to sit through another minute of those two babbling incoherently I would ‘ave called in Samuel L Jackson. Now on to our next guest…is this correct? It is? Ok. Our next guest is A. Gorilla.”

“Thank you for having me on the show.”

“Thank you for coming on the show, and for speaking English.”

“Hahaha. No problem. It the language I’ve been speaking since I was born.”

“Ms. Gorilla. Do you mind if I call you by you’re first name?”

“No. Go ahead.”

“All right, what is it? Ann perhaps? Abigail?”

“Arthur.”

“…Your first name is Arthur?”

“Yes.”

“…You are aware that Arthur is a boy’s name, right?”

“Yes.”

“So just to make sure I understand this, you a female with a male’s name.”

“Yes.”

“Were you’re parents ‘ippies by any chance?”

“They were. Why?”

“No reason. It explains a lot really. They must ‘ave been 'aving a conversation with Miss Mary Jane when they decided it was a good idea to name their daughter Arthur. I’m guessing that also explains why they changed their last name to Gorilla.”

“No, our family name has always been Gorilla. For at least one hundred years.”

“And that just verifies what I just said. Obviously they were investing in some Wacky Tobacky when they decided not only to give you a boy’s name, but also one that starts with an A. Please tell me you don’t ‘ave any siblings who’s lives have been affected by the drug addled brains of the people that spawned you.”

“Actually I have a brother.”

“And what, prey tell, is his name? Heather? Sara?”

“Beatrice.”

“Oh that makes perfect sense now doesn’t it! Lets give our son a girl’s name! And since we gave one child a name starting with AA, lets pick one starting with B for the next one!”

“Actually that is how they decided to name him Beatrice.”

“…Just so I ‘ave this clear, you’re parents, who’s parenting skill are obviously questionable, named their daughter Arthur and their son Beatrice?”

”Yes, but that was before Bea had his operation.”

“So your brother named Beatrice is now your sister named Beatrice?”

“No.”

“What do you mean no! What other option is there?”

“After the operation, Bea changed his name.”

“I suppose that makes sense. Don’t see too many Beatrice’s running around. Changed it to something a little more modern did she? Brandy perhaps. Or maybe Betty. Possibly Bobbie?”

“Bernard.”

“…He…sorry, I mean she, changer her name t Bernard?”

“Yes”

“So your brother, who was named Beatrice, is now your sister named Bernard?”

“That’s right.”

“…Yours ‘as go to be one of the most messed up families I ‘ave ever seen! ‘ow did either of you not get the tar beaten out of you during school?”

“I don’t really see what this has to do with recycling.”

“I am truly sorry. It’s just that the sheer amount of stupidity shown by your parents distracted me from the subject at ‘and. You are a respected authority on conservation after all, so can you give out viewers any advice on recycling?”

“Yes. They should recycle more.”

“…That’s it? Recycle more? That’s the best you could come up with?”

“Well Bob and Ozzy gave the advice I was going to give.”

“You understood them? No one understands Bob Dylan, and ‘ow did you understand Ozzy Osbourne? I’m British and I couldn’t understand ‘im!”

“What does being British have to do with understanding what he said?”

“Because the air in Great Britain effects our genetics, rendering us incapable of pronouncing the letter H. As a result it can be rather ‘ard to understand what we are saying, so we become good at understanding incomprehensible speech, but I don’t think ‘e was even speaking English!”

“Well that’s all I have prepared.”

“Could you at least give us some recycling advice that would benefit people trying to take over the world? After all, that is the point of this show.”

“Actually I do. Remember to melt down any robots that are destroyed fighting secret agents. It might cost a bit more in man power, but the savings in production cost will more then make up for it, you will be reducing the amount of discarded robot parts in the land fills, and you will be helping the planet because less pollutants will be used to gather the materials that go into the creation of robots, which will protect the planet.”

“…I think that is actually the first bit of good advice given by an expert on this show. Thank your for being ‘ere Ms. Gorilla.”

“It was my pleasure Reginald.”

“That’s all the time we ‘ave tonight, but before I go, remember the words of someone who may or may not be famous. “May the doves of peace fill the air as we all o our part to protect the earth. Good night.”



* No Problem man.
>** Thanks For 'aving me on the show.
*** Shut the [beep] up. I was incredibly ‘igh at the time. I didn’t know what the [beep] I was doing…Oh wait. You said chocolate.
*^ Yes I an. The easiest way to start recycling is to separate everything into different bins. That will make it easier for them to process it at the recycling center.
^ Yes. Make sure you rinse all recyclable materials before taking them to the recycling center. And buy items made from recycled materials to encourage companies to recycle. Remember, this is the only planet we ‘ave. It ‘as to last us a while, so lets take good care of it.
^* That wasn’t nice. I’m very sensitive about the way I speak.
^** Yeah man. That was uncalled for.
^*** I’m out of here. I still get paid though right?
^*^ 'ow rude. I am almost tempted not to send a thank you for ‘aving me on the show, but that would be rude as well. Instead I will send a rather curt letter saying that I did not appreciate the way I was treated. And maybe include a frowny face at the end to show ‘ow upset I am after this.