Mistaken Identity

How To Take Over The World:
Mistaken Identity

“'Ello. Reginald Butterfield here, once again bringing you the critically acclaimed show, 'Ow To Take Over The World. It has been over a year since the last episode aired, because we don't really care about our fans. But the BBC said we had to do at least one episode a year, so here we are.”

“Before we get started, lets read some letters from the viewers. We 'ave 'ad literally tens of letters delivered since the last episode aired. Those people are idiots whom we ignore. Meanwhile we 'ave 'ad a few 'undred e-mails. We thought about ignoring those as well, but the people in public relations are bigger idiots then those that are still sending things through the postal service.

“As a result. We have viewer mail. This first one is from A. Stal Ker. Mr. Ker writes 'Please 'ave A. Gorilla on the show again. She is 'ot.'.........Mr. Ker is obviously insane. Or blind. Or possibly both. I'm not even sure if that is possible, but apparently it is.”

“Our next letter is from...A. Ker again. 'E writes 'Why 'aven't you 'ad A. Gorilla on again? If she is not on the show again soon, can I 'ave her phone number and address?'........Do you 'ave any idea the kind of trouble we would get into if we gave out the phone numbers and addresses of our guests? If you want that same information for the people in charge of the BBC, it will appear at the end of the credits.”

“Time for one last letter. This one is from......A. Ker......Listen mate. Leave your parents' basement and find yourself a girl. Or a guy. Either way, get a life. Or at least get your eyes checked. Clearly you 'ave trouble with your eyesight.”
“Now for today's episode. Since it had been so long, we decided to show the episode on 'ow to take over the world through economic names. We 'ad planned to show this episode a while ago, but the the queen decided to 'ave a 'eart attack. I personally thin that she did it just to prevent people from seeing the episode. Fortunately, the judge in the lawsuit that was filed after we decided not to show it originally decided we 'ad no control over that and gave us more time. Unfortunately we 'ave till Christmas to air, so 'ere it is, 'ow to take over the world through economic means.

“We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news.”

“Hello. Scott LeBau here, in the BBC America Studios. We interrupt this program to bring you some breaking news.”

“We have received word that Dr. Phil has been spotted near Oak Hill, Ohio. Dr. Phil has not been seen or heard from since his attack on St Peter, Minnesota. What dastardly plans he has devised in that time is unknown, but it is anyone's guess what evil he is up too this time.”

“We now go live to our eye in the sky. Ed Rogers is on vacation, so we go to Ramsay Gordan, live in Ohio. Ramsey, there seems to be a problem with the feed,so you will have to tell us what is going on. What do you see?”

“Nothing.”

“What do you mean nothing?”

“There seems to be a problem with the camera as well.”

“Do you think this is some plot on Dr. Phil's part?”

“...Nope. The pilot just pointed out that I forgot to turn on the camera.”

“What!?”

“Apparently I forgot to turn it on.”

“I thought you were a professional!”

“In my defense, I'm use to a different camera, with the power button in a different location.”

“.....I suppose that makes sense. But we still aren't getting any video. Are the cables plugged into the transmitter correctly?”

“Of course they are!”

“Did you remember to take the lens cap off?”

“......”

“Ramsey! Are you ok? Did Dr Phil attack?”

“Um, we figured it out. One of the cables to the transmitter was loose. Not the lens cap thing. The lens cap was off the whole time. Definitely not the lens cap still being on the camera.”

“......How did you get this job?”

“No time to discuss that now. I can see Dr Phil now! He's in that field in front of us!”

“Dr Phil has less hair then that.”

“Maybe he got a toupee.”

“That's possible, but what is he doing?”

“It looks like he is...dancing!?”

“Zoom in! Maybe it is some evil dance of...evil!”

“Zooming in now! It seems he has had plastic surgery.”

“......That's Tom Cruise.”

“What?”

“That's not Dr. Phil, it's Tim Cruise.”

“How can you tell?”

“For one he's dancing on a couch that is apparently in the middle of the field for no reason. Two it's Tom Cruise. He is rather recognizable.”

“...You sure? Looks like he might be Dr Phil with a wig.”

“Have you seen Top Gun? Days Of Thunder? Mission Impossible? Lions For Lambs!?”

“Of course I've seen.....I've never even heard of that last one. Are you like an obsessed fan or something?”

“I've never heard of it either. Looked it up on Wikipedia.”

“Did any one see it?”

“I'm guessing not. It's got 28% on Rotten Tomato.”

“That sucks!”

“That it does, but that is still Tom Cruise, not Dr Phil.”

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

“Think I can sell this footage to TMZ?”

“Only if I get a cut.”

“How does 25% sound?”

“35% and you got yourself a deal.”

“Done.”

“Well, that was Ramsey Gordan in Oak Hill, Ohio. You can see the full story on TMZ tomorrow most likely, or on YouTube. Either way, I am Scott Lebau. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

“And as I said last time, now nobody 'as an excuse for not taking over the world. Really, there is no easier way to do it. And after airing this episode twice, the U.N. should be backlogged with people taking over the planet through economic means. “

“I 'ope everyone Tivoed this episode, because this is the last time you will see it. Now that the court order 'as been covered, we will be destroying it. This 'as been Reginald Butterfield, you 'ave been watching 'ow to take over the world, and once again, taking over the world this way is as easy as dancing on a couch.”