How To Take Over The World:
Breaking News“’ello. Reginald Butterfield ‘ere with another installment of ‘ow To Take Over The World. A show that ‘as broken all ratings records it’s time slot. It has even done better then the British Farm Network’s nightly broadcast.”
“In the first installment, we said that the next episode would be about ‘ow to take over the world through economic means. We ‘ad all of the research done, the script for the show was completed. There was even a rather cute dance number in which psychotic midget trolls tore their limbs off and beat each other to death with them as the Austrian boys choir sang a stirring rendition of Tears Of ‘eaven by Eric Clapton while gargling with sulfuric acid.”
“Unfortunately for all of our viewers, we decided to run a show that ‘ad nothing to do with taking over the world through economic means. Instead we did a show about ‘ow to get and keep a date, while still attempting to take over the planet. Some people were a bit upset by this and sent rather angry letters and e-mail to us. We replied with either a box of doggie doo, a squirrel that ‘ad been dead for exactly seventy-two point three ‘ours, or in the case of e-mails a virus which would replace every file on their computers with nude photos of Rush Limbaugh.”
“That is when the lawyers got involved."
“So, in order to avoid additional lawsuits, as well as to up ‘old a court ruling which states that we must present the episode in it’s entirety or face being called naughty names by the pope, we now present ‘ow To Take Over The World through economic means. Ready your various recording devices, and get ready to learn the easiest way to conquer the plant.”
“We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news.”“Hello. Nigel Pickles here, with a breaking news story. We have received word that the Queen is in the hospital following a near fatal heart attack. While details are still sketchy, we have received word that there is video footage of the heart attack as it happened. I warn you that this may be disturbing footage.”
“Ok. It seems that we are unable to show the footage for some reason. We will try to fix the problem, but in the mean time, allow me to describe what I see on my screen. The queen was about the night Samuel L Jackson for doing the world a favor and killing Dr. Phil. As is well known, it is a rare event indeed when someone who is not British gets made a full knight, and not an honorary one.”
“Just as she finished knighting him, a man long haired man wearing a trench coat stumbled into the ceremony. Obviously drunk, he then proceeded to lift up the back of his coat and lower his trousers, mooning everybody in the room. That is when the queen clutched her chest and fell to the floor.”
“This just in, it seems that there is a press conference about to start. We now go live to Buckingham Palace.”
“We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news.”“Hello. Scott Lebau here, in the BBC America studios. We interrupt this program for some late breaking news.”
We are getting reports of a situation taking place at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in St. Peter, Minnesota. We now go live to our eye in the sky, Ed Rogers. Ed, What is going on?”
“Scott, we still haven’t received all the details, but the local police, swat team, and several national guards men with takes are parked in the parking lot of the local KFC. What we do know is that Oprah Winfery is in side. It seems that she has eaten three buckets of original recipe, three of extra crispy, 6 pounds of popcorn chicken, and a small Diet Coke.”
“Why Diet Coke?”
“It seems she likes the taste better. I think a better question after all that food is why a small.”
“Do we know why she went on this eating spree? Did her and Stedman have a fight or something?”
“I don’t know. As I said, the authorities have yet to release all the details.”
“Can you try to get a closer look, maybe aim the camera through the main window?”
“We’ll try. A little lower. There’s Orpah. Looks like she has…yes she has a bucket of original recipe. That makes it four buckets of original recipe.”
“That’s great, but it doesn’t tell us anything.”
“Hold on. We’ll try to get lower. Wait. Is that…? It is! Oh My God is! God help us all he is back! The man sitting across from Oprah Winfrey is…………………”
“Who is it Ed? We’ve lost the feed. Who is it!?”
“………..”
“Ladies and gentlemen, we can only guess what has happened in St Peter, but to see someone like Ed Rogers panic like that, it must be horrifying indeed. I watched as this man accepted an assignment to cover a Spice Girls/Hanson concert without flinching, not caring about the horrors he would be exposed to, only interested in covering the news. To see him react like that is ample reason for concern.”
“All right, sorry about that Scott. Some technical difficulties.”
“That’s alright Ed. We don’t have video yet. What do you see?”
“Hold on. I have to plug a cable back in.”
“Dear lord it’s him! But how? He’s dead! We all saw him die!”
“That may be, but a picture paints a thousand words, and this picture is clear indeed. Dr. Phil is alive!”
“A stunned silence has fallen over the studio at the revelation that Dr. Phil is in fact alive. But how could he be? We all saw him die. Samuel L Jackson decapitated him. How could he be alive?”
“I don’t know, but there he is, alive and well and drinking what looks to be a bottle of Mountain Dew.”
“At least that explains the military presence outside the building.”
“Hold on a second Scott. Something is happening. Oprah seems to be growing!”
“Well she has had some well documented weight problems, and after all that chicken I’m not surprised she gained a few pounds.”
“I’m not talking about getting fat, I mean physically growing! She has already destroyed the booth she was sitting at. The ceiling is too low, and she is doubled over as she continues to grow.”
“How are the police and military?”
“They have taken aim, but I don’t think they will be able to stop her, even with the tanks. She already destroyed the building, and Dr. Phil is standing there laughing manically.”
“Why isn’t he running?”
“I don’t know, but as evil as he is, I wouldn’t put it past him to have some how caused this. Oprah is walking down the street, and…GOOD LORD NO! OH THE HUMANITY!”
“We’ve lost the video feed again Ed, What’s happening?”
“She just breathed fire upon several of the officers firing at her. They are lying on the ground writhing in pain. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“It seems she ate some buffalo wings as well. What’s happening now Ed?”
“She seems to have stopped growing at approximately fifty feet tall, She is crushing police cars under her feet. Bullets are bouncing off of her, and the tank shells barely seem to faze her. She just smashed one of the tanks and…Wait. She just yawned. Could it be?”
“What Ed? What could it be?”
“Yes! It is! She is getting tired! All that food is finally taking effect! She just passed out, crushing two tanks beneath her. Some soldiers and officers are surely being crushed as she slowly resumes her original size, but the important part is her reign of terror is over.”
“And what about Dr. Phil? Any sign of him?”
“No. He must have fled the scene in the confusion.”
“Darn. Keep us informed about what happens Ed.”
“Don’t worry Scott. We’ll stay right here as long as we can.”
We now return you to your regularly scheduled program, already in progress.“For those just joining us, the Queen had a near fatal heart attack earlier today and just moments ago regained consciousness. She had this to say.”
“Tulips taste good wrapped in sheet metal and braised in puppy dog tails.”
“Officials have stated that the queen’s statement was the result of large levels of pain medication, and not a hidden call to arms for secret armies around the world as some would like to believe. The appearance of said secret armies around the world gathering their forces is merely a coincidence, due to a convention for secret armies gathering to conquer the world, and not a veiled message to some secret organization from the queen.”
“We will bring you more on this developing story as it happens. The story about the queen that is, not the secret armies.”
We now return you to your regularly scheduled program, already in progress.“See. Now wasn’t that easy. Now nobody ‘as any excuse for not taking over the world.”
“I ‘ope you ‘ave enjoyed this episode of ‘ow To Take Over The World, because it is my understanding that the footage from this installment will be destroyed as soon as we go off the air, never to be shown again.”
“I am Reginald Butterfield, this ‘as been ‘ow To Take Over The World, and may the good Lord watch over the royal family, keeping them safe from all ailment including, but not limited to, ‘eart attacks. God save the Queen.”
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